I've Remembered Why I Hate Crying

It's mainly because once I start, I can't stop and all of the bad and maybe bad feelings I've had manifest. It's because it simultaneously breaks down a dam and my heart. I don't deal with many messy situations in my life anymore. I've tried to hold it together a bit better than that.

I'm happy that way or at least that's what I think most of the time. So when I start crying, and I'm not talking about a random tear drop or crying at the television or movies (which I do often), I can't stop. All of my hurt bleeds out through tears; illogical and logical. It's a painful experience I cannot contain. I've remembered this in the back of my brain and that's part of why I don't cry so much any more; even when it's warranted.

But when I cried like I did tonight when I really should be sleeping, I remember exactly why I hate crying so very much.

It's an uncomfortable experience that makes me think of things that I try not to. Not because I've fucked up horribly (not to say I've never done that because I have but I always try to do my best to apologize appropriately) but because I feel bad about a lot of things in my life; even though I've learned it's not all warranted. I tend to overapologized or feel overly bad -  and I'm trying not to do that any more because it's hurtful to myself. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong, so I'm not usually crying about that. I'm usually crying about friends or other people not fully understanding me and jumping to the worse possible conclusion. I always try to not do that and ask a question first before I jump to my assumption. It's just a personal goal I have. But tonight I cried, honestly and truly cried, because I'm scared I might have really messed up. Maybe being in New York isn't where I'm supposed to be.

Maybe I mishandled my move horribly- with my boxes and Mylo. In my heart of hearts I always want to do what's best but that doesn't always translated properly into the appropriate actions. I don't care if I leave this earth with people having an inaccurate impression of who I am but I do care about doing right by others. That's the legacy I want to leave. So if anyone who needs justice finds this hapless and impertinent blog -  know that I never meant to do anything wrong by you. 

I'm not aiming to be dramatic but honest.