A Rant

I'm kind of antsy today, so I'm feeling rant-y.

Here it goes:

Weight Gain
I'm super pissed off that I have gained weight. I blame it on living in Brooklyn. See below equation:

Blame it on Brooklyn Weight Gain Equation
Brooklyn = More Subway, Less Walking.
Less Walking = Weight Gain.

I was so HAPPY and PROUD and SMUG when I lost weight after I moved here. Now, I feel miserable about gaining some/most of it back. This is not a great 30th birthday present to myself.

Boys and Phone Numbers
In 2 months, I have had 3 guys get my phone number and not call. I am most upset about the not calling because these boys allowed me to HOPE. Each time one of you m-therf-ckers got my phone number, I got to fantasize for 5 minutes. Five glorious minutes fantasizing that maybe I won't die alone, maybe I will actually get married, maybe I would have someone to share my 30th birthday with, maybe I might find that person who is really worth loving with your whole heart.

Also - this makes me feel like I did something wrong. I know I didn't but it feels that way. It is hard to do something wrong when there hasn't been any interaction. Yet, why did you change your mind?

At the end of the day - it's fine. It really is. This is not the end of my world.

Pasty and Tired
Is how I look all the time these days.

And I'm sick of it. I look like sh-t. It takes 2 pounds of make up to make me look "tired" instead of totally hellish. Working 2 jobs and 6 days a week will do that to a girl.

The conversation I've had multiple times in the past month:

Concerned Friend: "You look really tired."
Me: "That's because I am. I look like hell."


I feel much better now. 

I Feel Better

Thanks to Writer Man.

I finally bit the bullet about applying for an internship in my degree field - graphic design.

Lo and behold, I actually got the job!

Jumpy claps :). Actually, I had to read the email three times to believe it. Then I quietly ducked out of my office into the hallway to jump up and down as quietly as I could. There may have been some silent open mouthed screaming.

I've spent a lot of my life prioritizing making money over taking a job that may make me happy but knowing I would be financially unstable. I do value stability and a paycheck I can count on.

A part of it came from the insecurity that I wasn't good enough to get an internship. Another part of me was petrified that my unstable finances would make me CRAZY. It would always be an internship and a restaurant job. I do enjoy working at restaurants but some parts of working in the industry make me a little restless and it's not always the healthiest environment for me.

With some encouragement from my amazing mother and the realization that I need to do this for ME, I took the job of Graphic Design Intern at Maggy London.

At the age of pretty much 29, I am finally going to have a job that I will potentially love.

For the first time in my life.

THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

I'm tempted to beat myself up over the fact that it's taken me THIS LONG to do what I want. In fact, I have so many times already. There is an expectation, whether I put it on myself or it is a direct effect of societal ideals and pressures, that I should have it (life, work, love) much more figured out than I do. I've been so envious of my friends that are my age who have jobs that they love. Jobs that are careers. There is a difference.

What made me feel immeasurably better?

Writer Man told me that he didn't start writing until he was 29. Someone who I respect, have had a bit of hero worship towards and I admired isn't too different than me.

Turns out, the old saying of "better late than never" is all too true.   

Links!

Secret Lives of Writers: Inside 15 Famous Writers Bedrooms. Emily Dickinson's is exactly how I would have imagined it. Am kind of obsessed with Faulkner's. (Apartment Therapy)

How the hottest bachelors for NYC? Please! Well, I can at least drool a little over a couple of the guys on this LA list. (Refinery 29)

I would actually like some of these jobs. Actually, almost all of them. Surprising Six Figure Salaries. (Forbes)

NYC 2012 Pillow Fight! (Pillow Fight)

I can feel your pain, Ms. Winslet. Admittedly, I used to love that song but I get where she's coming from. (Celebitchy)


I'd love to see Kristen Wiig cast.(Lainey Gossip)

Timing Can Suck It

I believe that timing is important; hell half the time it is key.

Whether it factors into moving, work, school, people. events, friends, so on and so forth, I've always believed that it matters and can make a difference.

But lately I think that Timing Can Suck It.

I search for meaning in my life. I don't think that is unusual.

Sometimes I search for meaning in the smallest of incidents.

Sometimes I search for meaning in the biggest of incidents.

Sometimes I believe that timing, however seemingly insignificant, means something. That maybe, this time, thinking of someone at the same time he texts you or running into him when you least expect it or missing him on the phone for months but suddenly being able to get a hold of him or having a great time with him as if it was yesterday instead of several months ago, means something. Just maybe the two of us are meant to be.

But lately, I'm starting not to believe in any of that.

Maybe nothing is a sign.

I have a hard time finding someone that I have a spark with. Let alone someone I find myself remotely attracted to.

There are plenty of decent looking guys in NYC but none that I think are actually cute. Or spark with.

Side note: a definite improvement over Seattle where I never found anyone whom I thought was decent looking.

So when I find someone I think about a lot and I find him attractive and we manage to see/run into each other and I become hopeful.

Maybe it is meant to be.

Then it becomes unarguably clear that the TIMING ISN'T RIGHT.

He's Single!

Thanks to the sly detective work of a co-worker, I found out my crush is single!

YES!

You Know What's Awkward?

When you awake up, remember a dream about kissing your co-worker who happens to be your current crush and then he seeing him at the office.

January Refrain: I'm Going to Die Alone

Back in November/December the phrase that kept repeating in my head was, "I'm so tired."

I was tired of everything. Everything.

I felt like I was never going to be not tired.

Well, I am not tired anymore but I am lonely. Not terribly lonely but it's there. That means that the new refrain in my head is, "I am going to end up dying alone."

This depressing track that is on repeat has a lot less to do with being lonely and more to do with that I can never find anyone that I want to date. I live in one of the biggest cities in the world and I never even see someone I'm interested.

Sure, there is my crush and Mr. The Time is Not Right Now but neither one of those possibilities seem to be going anywhere. Clearly, otherwise why would I be writing what I'm writing :/.

Just like the feeling of being tired seemed insurmountable, finding someone seems impossible.

This particular type of loneliness makes me a little cray cray. Like I text, say or do things that I normally wouldn't to any guy that is my hemisphere.

Then I want to slam my head against my desk. Repeatedly.

For the record, I don't actually think I am going to die alone. That's just how I feel right now.

When I do find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am going to be so happy and so appreciative. I have been waiting for him for a long time. It's worth when it's right.

F-ck Me!

I came back from Orlando tan, relaxed and happy. I was in a good mood today coming into the office. I mean, who ever wants to go back to work?

Anyhow, I get to the office and my crush isn't there yet. He comes in a little later but still in the morning (ok, so I swivel my head around from my desk to periodically check if he's at his desk - yes, I'm a creeper) and when I walk by he says, "Good Morning, Lauren."

He's never said good morning to me before. PROGRESS!

Instead of cheerfully replying and striking up a conversation, what did I do? 

I acted like a completely abnormal person and just walked right by. It was like some sort of weird delayed response. I have no idea.

After that I sat at my desk wanting to band my head down against it. I tried, unsuccessfully, to find a way to start up a conversation again.

The most I did?

Managed to wink at him. I owed him one ;).

Crush Update

It's not going that well.

I am not bringing my A game. At all.

It's a little awkward to find a way to talk to him because of where he sits and we don't work in a typical office with a large lunch room, employees with a similar schedule and he sits in kind of an awkward spot.

I will work myself up to talk to him then walk by his desk and not a peep comes out. Hell, half the time I walk by him like I always do - head up, eyes averted.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!

I like the guy. I want to talk to him. AND I CAN'T.

He's flirted a little more but like most guys attest - men need encouragement. I do not how I am going to do that when I can barely get it together to talk him.

OY.

He Winked at Me

I'm eating my lunch at the one tiny ledge we have in one of the tiny kitchen areas when my crush walks in to fill up his water bottle.

In an attempt at nonchalance, I kept reading my kindle and eating my lunch.

He got my attention by saying, "Hey Lauren, I didn't wish you a Happy New Year yet. Happy New Year."

I swiveled around when he said my name and caught a wink at the end.

I can't believe he winked at me. Who does that?

If I knew him better, I would totally call him out. Instead I replied with a smile, "Happy New Year to you, too."

Replaying this interaction makes me grin :) and giggle a little bit. I'm glad he winked.

Crushing at Work

It's been awhile since I've had a crush on anyone.

There is a really gorgeous guy that I work with. Undeniably good looking. Like even if he isn't your type, you can't argue that he's not attractive. I noticed him off the bat but never had a conversation with him until a couple of weeks ago.

Since then, I think he's been flirting with me.

I finally decided - what the helll! I am going to get my crush on.

It also helps to detract from Mr.The Time Is Not Right Now. 

Hell Yes

Suddenly My Life is Coming Together

I accepted a 9-5 job with a 35 hour work week. I am going to be able to pay my rent all on my own. I am going to be able to go to school, too. Things will be tight, no doubt, but I will be completely financially independent and it feels great. Something I've wanted for a long time but never had.

I've also been dating someone, whom I really like, for just over a month. He took me out on a great first date. One of the only real dates I've been on in a long time. The only part that sucks is that I only get to see him about once a week or so. The fact that I hate that I don't get to see him more than says a lot. He is a great guy. Intelligent, funny, handsome, caring, and he adores me. He says everything that every girl wants to hear. He sees me whenever he can. He listens.

I'm moving in with one of my best friends. I am going to have a great job. I am dating someone I really like. He likes me, too.

Suddenly I feel like an adult. I realized yesterday that my life is coming together and that is a really, really nice feeling.

I feel happy and satisfied. 

I Have a Crush!

Yay!! It's been far too long :).

Boys & Girls: Same Story Decades Later

It's funny because I think that men and women are equals about life and sex but it's proven to me again and again that my thoughts don't hold true to the general consesus.
The last couple of guys I've dated STILL don't understand that:
For one: Girls can date without wanting to get serious.Turns out that is exactly want some of us very much want. Me very much included.

For two: A one time thing as it is for them is the SAME as it is for us. Again, I am very much included in this. And when guys think we want so much more - it truly pisses me off. Like A LOT.

For three: Women can really enjoy sex WITHOUT expectations. Hell, sometimes that is all that I want.
Maybe it's just me, except I know it's not because I have girlfriends who feel the same way - us women get it and like it when it's just fun and just a fling :). I couldn't be happier but it makes me outraged that guys don't get it.

And I hate having to explain myself.

New Freebie 5

1. Ryan Rowland-Smith (aka Hypen), Seattle Mariners Starting Pitch
2. Matthew Morrison
3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
4. Jason Bateman
5. Nathan Fillion, recently of Castle fame but better known for Firefly

Cute Bus Boy Sighting

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that a really cute guy rides my bus. We get on the same stop & he seems to know a few peeps on the 8- the line we take and that's kind of why I noticed him. I hoped he lived nearby. Now I know he does because I just saw him at my QFC. Although, I still haven't talked to him yet.

New Freebie 5

1. RDJ
2. Nathan Fillion
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Cory Monteith
5. Matt Ballas

Sometimes PostSecret

Reads my mind. . .

 

Round Whatever of Online Dating

People why wonder I haven't had much luck with online dating. See below evidence (name removed to protect the Mr. Over Eager):


Hello beautiful, I'm ________. How are you doing? Wow, I am blown away by your profile! You are an amazing woman, beautiful too ;-) You should be a model! If you are looking for an amazing man to spend lots of time with laughing, traveling, and creating lasting memories with, then look no further. Here I am! We should talk sometime or meet for coffee or lunch or something. Let me know if you are interested, I would love the opportunity to get to know you. ________

I rest my case.

Thank you for your time.