A Rant

I'm kind of antsy today, so I'm feeling rant-y.

Here it goes:

Weight Gain
I'm super pissed off that I have gained weight. I blame it on living in Brooklyn. See below equation:

Blame it on Brooklyn Weight Gain Equation
Brooklyn = More Subway, Less Walking.
Less Walking = Weight Gain.

I was so HAPPY and PROUD and SMUG when I lost weight after I moved here. Now, I feel miserable about gaining some/most of it back. This is not a great 30th birthday present to myself.

Boys and Phone Numbers
In 2 months, I have had 3 guys get my phone number and not call. I am most upset about the not calling because these boys allowed me to HOPE. Each time one of you m-therf-ckers got my phone number, I got to fantasize for 5 minutes. Five glorious minutes fantasizing that maybe I won't die alone, maybe I will actually get married, maybe I would have someone to share my 30th birthday with, maybe I might find that person who is really worth loving with your whole heart.

Also - this makes me feel like I did something wrong. I know I didn't but it feels that way. It is hard to do something wrong when there hasn't been any interaction. Yet, why did you change your mind?

At the end of the day - it's fine. It really is. This is not the end of my world.

Pasty and Tired
Is how I look all the time these days.

And I'm sick of it. I look like sh-t. It takes 2 pounds of make up to make me look "tired" instead of totally hellish. Working 2 jobs and 6 days a week will do that to a girl.

The conversation I've had multiple times in the past month:

Concerned Friend: "You look really tired."
Me: "That's because I am. I look like hell."


I feel much better now. 

When It Rains It Pours

When I first moved to New York back in August of 2010, I spent my first month here with no job.

Thank God for my unemployment checks from Mercent! And selling my car.

I went on countless interviews. I dropped by numerous bars dropping off resumes.

Nada.

Then I had two jobs in a day.

Started working at Coach in Soho and Affair on 8th in Greenwich Village.

Then there was a drought in January 2011. No hours at Coach. No more serving shifts at Affair.

Then I had 6 jobs. Raining again.

I stepped back from working at Coach and Soho Park. I decided to work full time at Soho Park (aka I became a So Ho - inside joke :)) with the lovely Leila, Albina, Zalina, Wendy and Joy (who I can't call lovely because he is a guy but is awesome nonetheless).

After interviewing over a month earlier, I got an offer letter to be an admin at Prudential Douglas Elliman. After numerous discussions with Rebecca and my mom and my first round of negotiations, I decided to take the job.

A day later, I received a phone call about an internship at Penguin (a dream job). Raining again. I turned down going to an interview because I had just accepted my job at PDE. Scared of not being financially independent, I backed out.

Not going to lie, I often think about what would have happened if I hadn't declined.

Especially since I decided at the beginning of Spring 2012 I would love to design book covers. Moving on . . .

After a miserable 8 months at PDE - I got a job that I thought would amazing. It was not.

I realized that I never want to be a f-cking admin assistant ever again.

Upon my epiphany, I applied for numerous internships and junior designer positions via LinkedIn. To my shock and utter happiness, I got one.

Up until today, I had been hanging by a thin financial thread. I mean like spending less than $6 a day.

Nada luck with finding a restaurant besides hitting the pavement HARD. I mean dropping off like 20 resumes and applying to multiple Craig's List postings. And pimping out any and all restaurant connections.

It's raining again.

I have a training shift at Arabesque tomorrow. An interview at Fab.com for a position I applied for almost two months ago.

And I still LOVE my internship. My boss is badass. My other teammate is funny, nice and takes the time to teach and talk to me. The photo shoots alone make me happy.

New York is a tough city. It is full of endless possibilities.

Why do you think I live here ;)?

Yup, I Had a Mini-Meltdown

I was starting to feel the effects of a mini-meltdown on Monday and it really, officially this time happened on Tuesday.

The piece of rock that crumbled on the edge of the cliff I was standing on was the stress of one of my bosses traveling again for the second time in two weeks.

Oy.

He was stressed, so then I was stressed.



The combination of 8:30 am - 1 am days (waking up, straight to work then straight to school then to the computer lab and then more work/getting ready for the next day) Monday through Wednesday.

+

Having a little bit of free time on Thursdays and Fridays but usually ended up doing research/shopping for school. Squeezing in some time to see a friend or two.

+

Working 16+ hours on the weekend researching, designing and producing school work.

+

Not finding my groove aka my concept for my two big final projects.

+

Staying awake to let my cousin in my building since I can't make a copy of the outside door key.

+

Normal stress of a new job.

+

Kind of getting yelled at at work.

=

Crying in the stairwell for a few minutes.

Summation

On Happiness

I was in a not-so-great place a couple of months ago and came to the conclusion that I was scared to be happy. Sidebar: I am happy these days :)

My reason?

I don't know how I would handle it if I was unbelievably happy and it all went away.
OR
What would I do if I did everything to be happy but wasn't?

These conclusions lead to several discussions with my close friends. Some friends said that it was common fear; not unusual at all. One friend said that her father told her that she was scared to be happy/wouldn't let herself. Then a very wise friend make a valid point: that it is ridiculous.

Well, she didn't say that exactly.

She basically said that even when you are really happy and all the pieces are in place, something will still come up. That perpetual happiness is a myth. I already knew this and I needed a reminder.

I'm not scared to be happy anymore. I am also taking an active role to do things that make me happy.
Brad Pitt summed it up nicely, too (via THR):

"This idea of perpetual happiness is crazy and overrated, because those dark moments fuel you for the next bright moments; each one helps you appreciate the other," he says. "We are all searching for meaning in our lives, love and betterment for ourselves and those around us."

January Refrain: I'm Going to Die Alone

Back in November/December the phrase that kept repeating in my head was, "I'm so tired."

I was tired of everything. Everything.

I felt like I was never going to be not tired.

Well, I am not tired anymore but I am lonely. Not terribly lonely but it's there. That means that the new refrain in my head is, "I am going to end up dying alone."

This depressing track that is on repeat has a lot less to do with being lonely and more to do with that I can never find anyone that I want to date. I live in one of the biggest cities in the world and I never even see someone I'm interested.

Sure, there is my crush and Mr. The Time is Not Right Now but neither one of those possibilities seem to be going anywhere. Clearly, otherwise why would I be writing what I'm writing :/.

Just like the feeling of being tired seemed insurmountable, finding someone seems impossible.

This particular type of loneliness makes me a little cray cray. Like I text, say or do things that I normally wouldn't to any guy that is my hemisphere.

Then I want to slam my head against my desk. Repeatedly.

For the record, I don't actually think I am going to die alone. That's just how I feel right now.

When I do find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am going to be so happy and so appreciative. I have been waiting for him for a long time. It's worth when it's right.

Rough Day, Today

77, Sunny and Poolside.

FNO with Rebecca (Fashion's Night Out)

One of my favorite events in NYC is FNO aka Fashion's Night Out. This year I dragged Rebecca out with me and went to Bebe, Mango and Prada. Then we hit up my old work place, Soho Park for a bite (it was insanely busy!) and went home tired.

The crowd at Prada

Rebecca at Prada

Me at Prada

On the steps!

Prada Scenery

New Home in HK (Hell's Kitchen)

This is the view from my new home and rooftop!

This is a night time view of the city :):

Awful, Miserable Motherf***ing Week

If anyone has had an awful or miserable week feel better that the following things didn't happen to you:

1. Dealt with unorganized real estate agents and brokers
2. Rushed out of work early to sign lease and get keys only to be denied
3. Accidentally threw away your paycheck
4. Waited in live for over an hour to get a u-haul for 2 days in a row
5. Moved a bunch of s**t down 4 flights of stairs (1st day)
6. Moved a bunch of s**t up 3 flights of stairs (1st day)
7. Moved everything again - down 3 flights up, up 6 but in an elevator (Thank God)
8. Moved until past midnight two nights in a row
9. Woke up at 6 am to return the u-hauls 2 days in a row
10. Have only slept 9 hours in 2 days
11. Got 3 parking tickets
12. Lost cat and sobbed all afternoon at work (found him Thank God)
13. Sliced your middle finger three times and bruised it by accidentally getting too close when trying to turn off your fan
14. Find out the a**holes at BofA have put a hold on your account until 5 pm PST when you live on the east coast
15. Essentially that means you're broke until 8 pm

But HUGE thanks to my amazing friends, Rebecca Estomago, Jeff Douse and Jeff Broadwell, for getting me through it and helping me. I don't know what I would have done without your help and I probably couldn't have done it. I kept saying I couldn't wait for the next 24 hours to be over, then that turned into 48 hours, and now I need it to be 8 pm here so I have access to my funds! FML

My Year Anniversary!

Today is my year anniversary in NYC and miraculously I have the whole day off of work! I meant to go to a museum but didn't get my sh-t together in enough time but I did do something I haven't done before - I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge!

Congratulations to the O'Cassadys!

My Beach, My Love

I Miss You Eamon